and if i can't be all that i could be
by sirrryesssirrr
Summary: Brittany deals with losing Santana. Quinn's there for her. Brittany/Santana. Brittany/Quinn friendship. Femslash.


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or people. No copyright infringement intended.

* * *

Quinn doesn't think about death.

She has never found a reason to think about death. Not even when she thought her life felt like it was over, she never considered death to be anything but a faraway idea that happened to other people.

All she ever heard was about life. Throughout her pregnancy, all everyone talked about was the life that she was bringing into the world. Throughout the entire adoption process, all everyone talked about was the life - the future - in store for her and for her daughter. All she's heard of for as long as she can remember dealt with life and the future and the great possibilities to come.

So when she stands beside Brittany in the hospital, it knocks the wind out of her lungs when the doctor pronounces Santana Lopez's time of death on a Wednesday morning in early March.

-l-

Santana is on her way back from a doctor's appointment to glee practice. She gets a clean bill of health from Dr. Chen, thanks mostly to Sue Sylvester's strict dietary restrictions and intense workout schedules.

It's a Tuesday afternoon.

She has the green light. There is a guy coming from the intersecting street that doesn't realize he has to stop. He doesn't.

He hits her car on the driver's side, effectively crushing the side of the car like a soda can with the grill of his truck before her car flips over all the way to the sidewalk.

The ambulance doesn't come for ten minutes, even though it feels more like ten hours. She hangs upside down in her car as she struggles to unbuckle her seatbelt, bloodied fingers shaking to push down on the buckle. The strap across her chest is making it hard to breathe. The belt across her lap is digging down, cutting the circulation of her bottom half.

With a last ditch effort, she yanks on the belt. The buckle gives out and Santana unceremoniously drops down from her seat and barely has time to cover her head as it hits the roof.

She is unconscious when they find her, barely breathing.

-l-

Quinn sees Mike pale considerably after he returns a call during one of their breaks. He slowly closes his phone and stands in the corner for some time before turning around. She knows when bad news is coming. She's had enough experience.

She doesn't move a muscle, just watches him closely as he walks back to the group that's completely unaware of his change in demeanor. Something terribly bad has happened and she didn't need to have been part of that phone call to know it.

Mike blinks wordlessly in front of the group when they finally look at him.

"Mike, what's wrong?" Brittany jumps from her seat and walks up to him, completely concerned.

"It's, uh, it's Santana." He doesn't look anybody else in the eye except Brittany.

Everyone looks at each other, but it's Brittany that Quinn is looking at. She watches as the blonde girl stills completely beside Mike, the hand she has on his arm gripping it tightly.

"She got in a car accident."

-l-

Before Mr. Schue can even say "glee practice is cancelled" the entire group has piled into three different cars to rush to the hospital.

Puck is driving like a maniac, trying to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Brittany, who's sitting in the backseat beside Quinn and Kurt, yells for him to slow down. Quinn realizes that out of all the years that she has been friends with Brittany, this is the first time that she has ever really heard her yell. Apparently, it's the first time for Puck too because he slows down considerably, glancing at her every couple of seconds in the rearview mirror.

No one else says a word in the car, but Kurt and Quinn take it upon themselves to hold Brittany's hands, to hold her still after they feel her shake beside them.

When they get there, they see Santana's parents already going through the hospital entrance. They run, following them.

The last time Quinn went to the hospital, she gave birth to her daughter, Lily. But that was something she looked forward to. Today's different.

Now, it's because Santana got in an accident.

It gives her chills.

-l-

Everyone stands back when they reach Santana's parents. Brittany runs up to them and gives Mrs. Lopez a fierce hug, which the older lady returns without a second thought. Quinn slowly follows as the remaining glee members take a spot at a corner in the waiting room and anxiously wait for any kind of news.

Quinn walks up to the Lopez family and before she can even think about offering them a hug, Mr. Lopez embraces her and holds her, as if she was his daughter. She hugs him back and lets him hold her like his own child because even though this is about Santana, she can't help but remember how her own father used to hug her so intently when something bad happened.

-l-

They've been waiting restlessly for five hours without news. When the clock in the waiting room hits 8 o'clock, most of the glee kids are forced to go home. They promise to come and visit sometime tomorrow and request to be updated. Quinn stays by Brittany's side the entire time. They all hug Brittany and murmur encouragement to her before they head out. The entire time Brittany smiles politely, guardedly. It shouldn't surprise her, but it does anyway, when Quinn sees how it doesn't suit her at all.

Puck stays back as the rest of the group file out. He pulls Quinn aside when Brittany walks back to the Lopez family who is more than thankful for the sincerity the group is giving.

"Look, I can stay with you guys if you want."

Quinn smiles gratefully, but even she knows it doesn't reach her eyes. "Thanks, Puck. But you should go home and rest."

"You know I won't be resting until I find out how she is, right?"

She nods. "Yeah, I know. We'll call you if anything comes up."

"Are you gonna need anything? What about Brittany?" he asks, gesturing at the girl over Quinn's shoulder. Quinn turns around to take a glance at Brittany before facing Puck again. She sighs.

"I don't know yet. Maybe get some food for all of us? Here," she says as she starts digging in her purse. He puts a hand on hers.

"No, I got it. I'll be back soon." She nods. He walks past her and towards Santana's parents. They smile at him and start offering money, but he puts his hand up and shakes his head. Quinn hears him say it's the least he could do. They thank him.

Puck puts a hand on Brittany's shoulder before he leaves and squeezes it, not saying anything. He looks back at her one more time, offering a small smile, before he's out to get them some food.

She's proud of him, of the kind of progress he's made in the last year. He's still sometimes a sleaze, but she knows he's got a good heart and that's what attracted her to him back then. She did a lot of growing up because of that baby, but she didn't expect a similar change in him; but she likes it because it suits him.

When Puck leaves the waiting room, Quinn takes a seat beside her and puts her hand back in Brittany's. Together, they hold onto one another. It's unsettling how silent Brittany has been in the last five hours, not a single smile or word has come out of her without being asked first. So it startles Quinn a little when she starts speaking.

"She's gonna live, right?" Quinn nods and squeezes her hand for reassurance.

"Yeah, Britt. She's going to live." There's no doubt in her mind that Santana's going to pull through. There's no reason to, so she doesn't. This isn't some t.v. show. These things don't happen to people like them.

-l-

Quinn wakes up in an awkward position in one of the waiting room chairs. There's a crick in her neck and her back hurts from how she slept. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and tries to remember what she's doing there. She spots Brittany standing by the window that looks out into the hospital parking lot, wearing the same Cheerios uniform. But the brightness of the uniform seems dull against the backdrop of the world outside.

It makes her uncomfortable to see Brittany so silent and stoic. She's always seen her so lively and animated. It doesn't take her long to realize that Brittany hasn't slept at all; hasn't moved from her spot by the window.

Quinn looks at Santana's parents just a couple of seats away from her and sees how Mr. Lopez is cradling Mrs. Lopez in his arms. They're both exhausted, but when she catches Mrs. Lopez's eyes, the older woman gives her a soft smile. She thinks that Santana's parents are really strong because she can't imagine how they must feel right now; helplessly waiting to see what happens to their daughter. She knows she gave her daughter away for adoption, but she also knows that she wouldn't know what to do with herself if Lily died. She shudders at the thought and decides not to think about that right now because it's only making her feel worse.

Quinn checks her phone and realizes that the battery's about to run out. It's 6:42 in the morning. There are thirteen text messages and three voicemails. She doesn't have the energy to look through any of them.

-l-

The door swinging grabs her attention. She looks back at her phone and looks at the time before catching sight of the doctor that has stepped out to where they are.

Brittany's still by the window when the doctor approaches Santana's parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Lopez?"

"Yes?"

Quinn can't concentrate on what the doctor is saying because she's too busy looking at Brittany who still hasn't moved at all. She's trying to pick up on the words but she's only getting snippets – things about punctured lung, broken ribs, hard to breathe. She shifts her focus back and forth between the doctor, Santana's parents and Brittany. She feels dizzy doing it, but she can't decide who to pay more attention to – the doctor who's trying to be calm, the parents that are in hysterics, or the girl that hasn't done anything at all.

The doctor has gone back through the swinging doors. She can hear Mrs. Lopez sob and she has to fight back her gut feeling that there's something wrong. She wants to vomit.

It's 8:34 in the morning when the doctor comes back out. This time he looks completely defeated. She feels even sicker. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez stand from their chairs and quickly approach him. Quinn watches Brittany turn her head so she's looking at the ground. But Quinn knows she's listening.

The next thirty seconds is a blur when she hears the words 'I'm sorry' and 'we did everything'. A flash of blonde, red and white from the corner of her eye dashes from the seat she's taken by the window and charges through the operating room doors, disregarding loud protests coming from the adults. Quinn doesn't hesitate when she runs after Brittany, maneuvering away from the doctors and nurses running after them.

She calls after Brittany and she's frantically searching for her through what feels like endless sets of doors.

Quinn expects to find Brittany in hysterics. Instead, she finds Brittany beside Santana's body covered with a white sheet up to her shoulders eerily silent and unmoving. Brittany doesn't hear the nurse demanding them to get out. Quinn just ignores her.

She stands beside Brittany and holds her hand, but she doesn't hold back, thinking that one of her oldest friends is lying on the metal table in front of her. She attempts to squelch down the sick feeling in her stomach.

Brittany pushes the nurse away when she leans forward and kisses Santana on the lips, like it would wake her up. Brittany's hunched over and holding onto Santana. Even with her vision starting to blur, she tries to pull Brittany away.

"No. Stop. Please. No. No."

She knows that Brittany's just whispering those words, fighting back tears, but the sound of Brittany's increasingly desperate pleas are deafening.

The doctor and the nurses are telling them to get out but it's all a mess and Quinn can barely hold Brittany away.

She finally steps in front of Brittany trying to be strong for the both of them, and she slowly pushes her out of the room. She doesn't look back, not when the nurse puts the sheet completely over Santana's face.

She doesn't let go of Brittany when they walk back out of the hall, just holds on tighter even if Brittany in front of her feels lifeless, too. Quinn needs this more than Brittany does, so she keeps holding on. Brittany doesn't fight to break free at all and Quinn thinks about letting go.

But she feels arms wrap around her and a head land on her shoulder, tears wetting her shirt.

-l-

That same day, all of glee club skips the rest of the day and rushes over to the hospital.

It's not even 24 hours when they pronounce Santana dead. Her lungs weren't strong enough to deal with the injuries to keep breathing.

Everyone is consoling each other, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, and Brittany. Quinn stays back from them because she can't handle it. She's standing behind a chair and grips the back of it tightly. No one's approaching her and she wants to keep it that way. She watches Brittany from where she's standing and notices how she has the same demeanor as earlier. There is a fearful tug in her chest that hopes that it isn't permanent.

It's not yet setting in that her best friend for most of her life is gone. It doesn't make sense and it's not fair.

It makes her want to kick the chairs and yell and scream and trash the place. But all she does is clench her jaws and keep herself from crying; grip the back of that chair or else she's collapse.

She sees Rachel Berry look at her with her own tear-filled eyes and Rachel starts to walk over. She wants to say she needs to be left alone, but she's quiet up until Rachel stands in front of her. They have never truly gotten along but what they have now, this understanding of civility is good enough and she'll accept it.

When Rachel Berry, of all people, approaches her and tells her that she's going to hug her, she doesn't protest, just opens her arms and hugs back. Rachel whispers how unfair it is as she starts sniffling again, Quinn only holds on tighter.

She doesn't think it's fair at all, either.

-l-

Brittany doesn't go to school for the rest of the week and it's the only time Sue has ever _not_ gotten rid of a Cheerio off the squad.

The funeral is held that Sunday.

Quinn expects for Brittany to cry as the coffin gets lowered, but she notices how dry Brittany's face is. It's not lost on her how empty her blue eyes are.

Brittany asks to stay a little bit longer and Quinn offers to give her a ride back. Everyone else walk away and Quinn tries with great difficulty to ignore Mrs. Lopez's wailing.

Quinn dabs at her eyes a couple of times because it hasn't set in that Santana, her oldest friend, is gone. She turns to look at Brittany, whose face remains expressionless, staring at the gravediggers as they put the soil on top of Santana's coffin.

"Do you know what she tells me every day?" Quinn shakes her head when Brittany looks up at her. It's frightening to see the emptiness in her eyes. It makes Quinn feel like she's a completely different person and not the Brittany she and Santana grew up with. "She says 'we're gonna get out of this dumb town soon, you and me.'" There is no emotion in Brittany's voice and it scares her.

"Britt…" It comes out hoarsely. Brittany waits for her to say anything to comfort her but she can't will herself to speak. She doesn't know what to say to that but it doesn't matter anymore because Brittany goes back to staring at the ground.

They stay for another hour and Quinn urges them to leave explaining that her parents and Santana's parents are going to be worried. Brittany doesn't say anything, just nods before looking back at where Santana is buried one last time.

-l-

When Monday arrives, Brittany comes back to school. Quinn tries to keep an eye on her but starts to worry when she can't find her by third period. Quinn finds her in the girls' locker room sitting in front of her locker. Brittany's not in her Cheerios uniform and it's disconcerting because this is a Brittany that she's not familiar with.

"Brittany."

"Yeah?"

"You've been staring at your locker for the last half hour."

"Oh."

"We can still go to Mr. Schue's class. He won't mind."

"I don't-I don't remember my locker combination. Santana knows it."

Quinn puts her hand on her shoulder and offers to get the janitor to pry it open and get her a new one. Brittany just nods and doesn't say anything.

-l-

For the rest of the week, Quinn keeps an eye on Brittany, tries to make sure that she doesn't do anything impulsive and crazy. She's talked to the rest of the glee club to get them to do the same. They all look pretty distraught but they know that Brittany's so fragile right now that they need to be there for her.

Quinn expects Brittany to react to everyone like she did when they were at the hospital last week with the glee members. She doesn't expect Brittany to be so angry at everyone at school.

She knows something's up when Puck, looking disheveled with dark circles under his eyes, approaches her and tells her that Brittany is not herself. She wants to roll her eyes because _no one_ is themselves lately. But he just shakes her head and tells her that Brittany's angry at everyone and if she can, she should talk to her.

It's the concern in his already tired eyes that makes her nod up at him, telling him she'll talk to Brittany. He gives her a hug and she accepts it. They stand there even until the bell rings.

She tries to talk to Brittany about it Thursday after school before glee but Brittany brushes her off, shaking her head.

"It's not fair that these people are crying like _they_ lost someone they cared about. They never cared about her, they didn't even like her. They don't get to feel like they're hurting."

The bitterness in her voice distracts Quinn that she almost misses how it's the most she's heard from Brittany at all this week.

She sees Brittany frown at other students putting flowers by Santana's locker the next day before disappearing into the crowd. Quinn knows it's petty, but she ends up carrying the same anger and resentment that Brittany does and glares at anyone who so much as look in her direction for the rest of the day.

-l-

It's been about a month and a half since Santana's funeral and the glee club is just starting to get back on their feet, giving life to their performances since Regionals was nearing. It's as close to normal as they're going to get so it's a nice reprieve and Quinn looks forward to it every day.

At first, it wasn't unusual for Brittany to miss practice. They understand that and have had to make do with choreography without one of their best dancers. When she returned for good within a couple of weeks, though, the glee club was on their toes, trying to watch out for her. She has shown up every day since then, but Quinn always kept a closer eye than everyone else. She knows that Brittany is predictable in her unpredictability. So when she misses a random Thursday practice, Quinn isn't all too surprised even when everyone was. Thankfully, Mr. Schue ended practice early so Quinn rushes to go home.

When Quinn gets home, Brittany's mom offers a warm hug and a soft smile. For a moment, it makes Quinn feel really at home, enough to forget that she lost that.

She gets directed to Brittany's room soon after. When she knocks on the door, she hears a muffled voice. She opens the door anyway and finds Brittany under her bed, lying on her stomach, as she hugs a red sweatshirt. She barely fits under there and it looks awkward. Any other circumstances, Quinn would've laughed. Instead, there are tears in Brittany's eyes and it breaks Quinn's heart all over again.

"You lied to me!"

"What are you talking about? Britt-"

"No. You lied. You said she was going to live. And now she's dead. She's not-she's not here anymore."

"Brittany."

Quinn should know what to do since she's been living with Brittany and this isn't something new. Except it doesn't get any easier and she doesn't want to know how to deal with it. She wants to be the strong one, but she lost her best friend, too.

"I trusted you," Brittany almost yells. Something in Quinn snaps and she gets angry.

"That's not fair, okay? I believed she was going to live, too! I thought she was going to survive and go back to being the same Santana. You know she would never give up without a fight."

Quinn wants to get angry and she wants to pick a fight with Brittany because she hasn't been able to express herself about this, either. But all of those feelings immediately drain away when Brittany looks at her, with eyes blurred with tears.

"Did she give up because of me?" she asks quietly. Quinn sighs first before crawling towards Brittany who has made no move to get out from under the bed. She lies on her stomach and for a second, she's surprised that she can do that now, when she couldn't for so long. She thinks that these things just stay with you. She hopes that's not the case here.

"No-"

"Because I can take her spot. She can come back and I can go lie under the ground for her. I'll do anything for her. She's smarter and she's prettier and she's a lot more popular. She can take my spot."

Quinn puts her hand on Brittany's arm. "This is not your fault."

"It could've been. A lot of things are my fault. I accidentally told everyone we were sleeping together. I leaked out the set list that one time. I didn't-I didn't go with her to the doctor even though she asked me. I should've gone-"

Brittany takes Quinn's hand and pulls it closer, putting it against her forehead and cradling it there, as if asking for forgiveness. Quinn shifts towards her and rests her head against Brittany's shoulder and she breaks down beside her.

"I should've gone. I should've-" Brittany's words get garbled up in her sobs and Quinn barely manages to hear the change in her words. "She's gone."

-l-

It's late at night and Quinn feels the covers move. There's a dip on the bed beside her and she turns around to someone inching closer and closer to her.

"Britt, what are you doing?"

She starts to sit up, but Brittany pins her back down and nuzzles into her, starts kissing her neck. Quinn can smell the alcohol on Brittany and she quickly pushes Brittany away, turning her bedside lamp on to get a proper look at the other girl.

"Have you been drinking?"

"No..." she says, as she advances towards Quinn again and smirking. "Just kidding, yeah." Brittany leans forward and Quinn has to shove her away again.

"Brittany. Brittany, stop. You can't do this. You're drunk and this isn't what you want."

"Please, Q. I'll be good, I promise. I just need to-"

"No, B," she interrupts, "we can't do this." She keeps her hand on Brittany's shoulder and squeezes it. "I'm not Santana." There's a bitter taste as the words leave her mouth and she can't help but wish that at that moment, she was.

"I just-" Brittany starts to say before pulling herself away from Quinn and sitting on the edge of the bed. She whispers so softly, Quinn may have not heard it at all. "I miss her a lot. I miss holding her. I'm sorry."

Brittany's halfway to the door when Quinn speaks up. She hesitates at first, but she figures maybe it's what she should do. She doesn't know if this will help, but she's going to try.

"Stop. You can stay with me tonight, B." Brittany turns around.

"It's okay, you don't have to. I was being stupid."

"No, you can stay. Really. Just don't try anything, got it?" She smirks, teasing, and it lightens the mood.

Brittany nods with a slight smile on her face that only grows wider when Quinn pulls the comforter to let Brittany in. Quinn turns her back to Brittany and faces the other wall as the other blonde snuggles up behind her and holds her. Quinn can feel Brittany's breath tickle her neck and wonders how much the other girl has had to drink.

"How drunk are you?"

"I'm not. I took a shot of vodka an hour ago."

Quinn turns back around and pushes herself into Brittany's body and figures this is kind of nice. She would have never pegged Santana as the little spoon, but she would have also never pegged her for a lot of things.

It's been a couple of minutes and Quinn is ready to settle into a sleep again when she feels, rather than hear, Brittany.

"Thanks, Q."

-l-

Glee club wins Regionals and takes fourth in Nationals. It's a gratifying victory considering what they've gone through in the last year. Their trophies are placed in the choir room, dedicated to Santana.

Quinn smiles when Rachel suggests it and no one opposes the idea. Brittany hugs Rachel so tightly she ends up pulling the shorter girl off the ground and spinning her.

It's the closest to the old Brittany they've gotten since the accident.

Quinn hopes to see more of it in the future.

-l-

"I had a dream," Brittany says out of the blue. Quinn doesn't say anything because even though things are back to normal, Brittany hasn't gone back to the carefree, whimsical girl Quinn used to know. It's the Brittany that thrived the most when Santana was around because Santana guaranteed she could without getting made fun of for it.

Quinn hopes to see it someday and she prays that it's still around.

"She was there. And we were at the locker room. She was wearing this nice red coat and her hair was down and she was smiling. She looked so _beautiful_," she breathes out wistfully, immersed in her memory, looking away. "I gave her a hug and a kiss and she held me and we sat on the bench together, the same one we sat on when she told me she liked me. I cried on her shoulder and she just held me, like she always does."

Quinn approaches the other girl and sits beside her on the counter. She hears a sigh and it sounds like it's the end of that. But Brittany looks at her, the blue of her eyes blurred by the tears that Quinn thinks Brittany's refusing to let go.

"I kept crying and she just held me and I told her I missed her and wanted her to come back. She laughed a little and wiped my tears away before giving me a kiss. She said she can't do that. And I cried harder. But she wiped my tears again and told me that she can't come back because that would mean she left. And she told me she never left."

Brittany has a ghost of a smile on her lips even as she already has tears that are successfully sliding down her cheeks. Brittany lunges forward at her and hugs her and Quinn almost doesn't recognize it. But it's the same kind of hug Brittany used to give everyone, the one that wasn't restricted by anything.

The taller blonde tightens her hold on her and she accepts it, even though it's a little harder to breathe. Brittany breaks the embrace and pulls herself away. Quinn wipes the tears staining Brittany's face when she notices something very different about her that she can't figure it out. It's not until Brittany smiles at her, the first genuine one in the last couple of months, the one Quinn was sure she would never see ever again.

"She never left me, Quinn. She's still here."

Brittany's body sighs of relief and the slump of her shoulders isn't defeated, it's more resigned, more accepting. Quinn's eyes are stained with tears but she doesn't care, she only pulls the other girl closer, gives her a soft kiss on the forehead before hugging her again.

This is more than Quinn has ever expected and she believes Brittany when she tells her that Santana's still here.

They'll be all right.

-l-

Epilogue

Quinn and Rachel are over at Brittany's house to see her off. Brittany's one of the first people to leave for college, save for Finn who had to leave two days before.

"I never thought this day would come," Rachel says, she and Quinn watching from of the driveway as Brittany and her parents fill up the van with the last of Brittany's stuff and Santana's parents helping out.

"Neither did she," Quinn tilts her chin up to Brittany's direction. Rachel nods.

When they're all packed up and ready to go, the parents line up with Quinn and Rachel following suit so Brittany can say her goodbyes.

When Brittany got to Santana's parents, they just pulled her in and she accepted the embrace. She'll always be another daughter to them.

Then Brittany walks to Rachel and gives the shorter brunette a tight hug.

"You take care of yourself in New York, okay? Quinn and I will come visit and watch a show."

"I haven't made it yet, Britt. But I'll keep that in mind and save you two seats." Brittany beams at her. "Oh, here." Rachel hands her a disc case and it's a mixed CD. "For the road, you know? It's a lot of the stuff we've sang before in glee." Brittany hugs her again.

Then it's Quinn's turn. If Brittany never thought this day would come, then surely, neither did Quinn. She's gone through quite a lot in the last couple of years of her adolescent life.

Brittany doesn't say anything, just lunges forward and pulls Quinn up from the ground.

"Thanks for being there for me, Quinn."

"Well, if she's always going to be there for you, then it's the least I could do." Quinn smiles back when Brittany understands the words she just said.

"I'm gonna miss you, Q." Quinn doesn't fight the tears, just nods.

Brittany's dad calls for her and they separate. Quinn sees her wave one last goodbye to the line of people in the driveway. Brittany hops in the van and rolls down her window. Quinn sees the blonde fiddle with the radio and when the music starts playing, she hears Brittany squeal. Brittany turns the volume way up and smiles at them, giving a thumbs up to Rachel.

The van and the u-haul pull out of the driveway and Brittany's blowing kisses to them.

"You weren't kidding when you said that it's a lot of stuff we've sang before," Quinn comments when she hears the undeniable tune of "Somebody to Love" blast from the van.

"Santana once told me that was her favorite, so I thought it'd be fitting to put it in there."

Quinn can't help but laugh because even after death, Santana's never failed to be there for Brittany.


End file.
